


ante meridiem

by strangenessandcharm



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Domestic Fluff, M/M, specifically health anxiety, verging on hurt/comfort maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-20 06:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9479222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangenessandcharm/pseuds/strangenessandcharm
Summary: Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to haveHowon wants to be a paramedic, wants to help people for a living, but how can he expect to do that when he can’t even help his boyfriend deal with an anxiety attack?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Three weeks late publishing but this is the fic I sent my beta on her birthday just cleaned up a little (It's for her birthday so she hasn't edited it so all the numerous mistakes are my own)
> 
> I am not a Paramedic and nor have I done much research into it because of my own health anxiety. I tried to keep it as accurate as possible based on bits and pieces my beta has told me but, as always when writing about something you don't really know, ofc there are going to be inaccuracies [I should also probably disclaim the characterisation is probably a little off here but I tried my best given the premise xD].
> 
> Quick trigger warning: considering the subject matter of this fic it features a fair amount of discussion of medical conditions and of some not very nice things a paramedic might see (nothing too graphic since I'd trigger myself) and anxiety.

 

 

_Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have._

\- Lemony Snicket 

 

The apartment is as quiet as Howon was expecting when he returns from his 12 hour A&E shift at four in the morning, aching and exhausted.

Myungsoo has an early class tomorrow morning, and Howon hasn’t seen Woohyun in days - he pays his share of the rent but he hardly lives here anymore.

He doesn’t bother keeping silent, knows that Myungsoo is likely to sleep through any noise Howon makes, whether he’s chosen to sleep in Howon’s bed or his own tonight.

As he makes his way through the apartment the first sign he gets that it’s a bad night is the fact the old mantle clock that Woohyun had inherited from his grandmother is missing from it’s pride of place under the tv. The second sign is the light he can see spilling out from underneath his bedroom door.

Howon sighs, rubbing at his eyes. He’s not awake enough for this, but there’s nothing he can do about it if he doesn’t want to be a raging asshole.

For just a second, he considers leaving it be and sleeping in Myungsoo’s room, but as soon as he does he feels guilty. For every inconvenience or annoyance Howon feels, Myungsoo feels a hundred more.

Instead he takes a quick detour to the kitchen to turn the coffee machine on (a precaution that’s probably going to prove necessary) and grab a drink of water before he’s pushing his bedroom door open.

Myungsoo is lying on the bed, curled on his side with his legs clutched to his chest. This isn’t exactly unusual, what is unusual (though not as uncommon as Howon would like) is the way he’s peering at the mantle clock, having relocated it so it’s sitting on the pillow next to his head.

There is a digital clock on the bedside table, it’s alarm the only thing that has gotten Howon through his gruelling current schedule . Howon knows though, that the ticking of the clock grounds Myungsoo, lets him know every second that they’re closer to morning.

Myungsoo can clearly tell he’s there, he hasn’t been quiet, but he doesn’t say anything.

“You’ve got class in the morning,” Howon says as he drops his backpack on the chair by the door. He knows it’s an insensitive thing to say, that it’s going to stress Myungsoo more as soon as the words leave his mouth. He’s not good with words, there’s a reason he wants to spend his life looking after physical injuries not mental ones (though they’re equally as important. Living with Myungsoo has confirmed that).

“I know,” Myungsoo says, sounding frustrated. With himself, with Howon’s lack of tact, with his brain.

“Then why are you up?” Howon asks, kicking his jeans off and stripping off his shirt, leaving just the tank top below.

“I can’t sleep,” Myungsoo answers. Quite obviously. Howon wants to know why Myungsoo can’t sleep (knows why but wants to know what it is this time). “I’m watching the clock,”

“Why?” Howon asks sitting at Myungsoo’s back, cross legged. His shift was exhausting, he’d like nothing more to crawl into bed and sleep until he has to do it all over again.

He could do it, take Myungsoo’s room or Woohyun’s. Myungsoo wouldn’t be angry at him, is always feeling like his anxiety is a burden on Howon anyway.

The fact Myungsoo expects it, is the exact reason Howon stays. That and the fact he doesn’t like seeing Myungsoo suffer like this.

“Because I’m waiting for morning.” Myungsoo says craning his next over his shoulder to look at Howon. That can’t be comfortable (if he keeps doing it in the morning they’ll have worries about neck pain and strokes)

“Okay,” Howon says, waiting Myungsoo out.

“If I’m alive in the morning then I haven’t died.” Myungsoo says eventually, deadly serious. To anyone else it would sound like complete and utter nonsense but Howon understands, more than he’d like to.

“What won’t you be dead from,” Howon asks, brushing Myungsoo’s fringe out of his eyes softly.

Myungsoo rolls onto his back and looks up at him solemnly, “My legs hurt. I think it could be blood clots, I don’t think I have blood clots, but I think it could be blood clots.”

Howon doesn’t bother telling him that blood clots in your legs wouldn’t kill you instantly - they need time to work their way to your heart or maybe you’re brain. He doesn’t bother worrying Myungsoo anymore than he is. If he wants to think the morning is important Howon will let him, because the sooner Myungsoo feels better, the sooner Howon will.

No matter how many times Myungsoo has had these concerns - anxiety attacks he calls them though they manifest nothing like any anxiety attack Howon has seen - Howon doesn’t get any better at dealing with them. He still feels like he’s saying the wrong thing, potentially making the situation worse than it is.

Howon wants to be a paramedic, wants to help people for a living, but he can’t even help his boyfriend. How pathetic does that make him?

“Where does your leg hurt?” He ends up asking Myungsoo eventually. If he doesn’t have pretty words to give him at the very least he might be able to allay his fears a bit, with his faux-expertise.

“My knee,” Myungsoo says in a small voice, contorting his body in a pretty comical way so he can pat at the back of his left knee.

Howon reaches out and gently removes Myungsoo’s hand so he can touch it himself, “Here?” Howon asks, rubbing at the spot.

“Yeah,” Myungsoo says quietly. Howon is reminded of the conversation Myungsoo had overheard between him and Sungjong a few months ago (it feels so much longer ago - before they were together), suddenly very glad he clearly doesn’t know what the popliteal artery is.

“How does it hurt?” Howon asks, pressing the spot, unsurprised that it feels normal. No sign of any kind of trauma, probably Myungsoo sitting in an awkward position all day as he’s in the bad habit of doing.

“Pulling, aching. Minor. A clot would be more painful, you don’t have to tell me,” Myungsoo sighs, frustrated now, “Atypical cases happen. Someone has to be the on in a million.”

“Okay,” Howon says, removing his hand so he can lean down and brush a kiss against Myungsoo’s knee. It’s a stupid urge, he shouldn’t have done it. Myungsoo isn’t a kid who can have his hurts kissed away; he’s an adult with an anxiety disorder.

Still, sometimes distracting Myungsoo is the key to getting his mind off everything so Howon sits up, and leverages himself over Myungsoo.

Myungsoo surprises him though.

“Don’t kiss me, you’re not allowed to kiss me,” Myungsoo says, pushing Howon away.

Howon is so incredibly confused by this, so he sits back on his legs and fixes Myungsoo with a look, “Okay.” Myungsoo doesn’t owe him anything of course, but he’s usually not opposed to kissing as a distraction, since they’ve started dating Howon has used it more than once, “Why?”

“If you kiss me, then my heart rate will elevate and then maybe the potential blood clot will kill me faster,” Myungsoo tells him. Again that’s really not the way it works, at all, but Howon is too tired to argue. Has worked out that some things aren’t worth convincing Myungsoo of, because if he argues with everything Myungsoo will believe none of it.

“Okay,” Howon says trying to decide what to do, “How about we go out then?”

“It’s four am,” Myungsoo says, looking at Howon like he’s crazy, “It’s four am and you just had 12 hours of placement, you should sleep.”

“Are you going to sleep?” Howon asks, knowing the answer even before Myungsoo shakes his head, “Then it’s fine, I have tomorrow off,” that’s not a lie, though he was planning to work on a presentation tomorrow. That can wait.

“I don’t want to inconvenience you,” Myungsoo says. He says it every time this happens (which is unfortunately fairly regularly). It would sound like a token protest, except Howon knows that he truly means it.

“It’s fine, I’ve just come off a twelve hour shift, I should probably eat anyway,” Howon says, which is true, but he could have grabbed something in the kitchen, “Look, we’ll go forsomething to eat at the 24 hour place down the road and then we’ll come back here and I will sleep I promise,” Howon says, dropping himself onto Myungsoo but making sure he’s holding all his own weight.

“If you promise,” Myungsoo says, sounding skeptical (He has a right to be - Howon’s plan is to stick with Myungsoo until he has to walk him to class then come home and sleep)

There are lots of things in his life more important than sleep, Myungsoo just happens to be number one on that list.

So if Howon doesn’t crawl into bed until he walks Myungsoo to his 9am class, having spent the morning distracting him with food and dumb stories well, 22 hours isn’t even close to the longest he’s gone without sleep before.

So he’ll manage. Myungsoo is worth it.

 

**Start the Clock**

 

 

**00:00**

Howon is awoken to an unceremonious slap on the arm, and someone barking his name. It’s not even close to the most unceremonious way Woohyun has chosen to wake him up before.

As he wakes, he’s surprised to find he seems to be sitting up, not lying in his bed. It takes him longer that it should to realise that he’s sitting in the living room something heavy laying across his legs, and Woohyun standing over him looking both amused and exasperated.

“What?” Howon asks reaching out to rub at his eyes.

“You shouldn’t sleep on the couch,” Woohyun tells him, “It’s bad for your back.”

“My back is fine,” Howon says, even as it gives a twinge of protest. He’s really going to feel that in the morning.

“Sure it is,” Woohyun says, before moving on, “Well I just wanted to let you know it’s midnight and you start your shift at 6am, so as cute as you and lover boy look,” Woohyun says, gesturing to Howon’s lap. He looks down, and it takes his half asleep brain a few seconds to realise the weight on his lap is Myungsoo, curled up half in his lap and dead to the world, “You might want to go to bed. Cuddle time can wait.”

“Shut up,” Howon mutters petulantly. It’s not that Howon is secretly pining after Myungsoo or anything as boringly cliche as that, he just recognise how attractive he is. Attractive but also overwhelmingly good.

“I suppose telling you to just ask him out would be useless,” Woohyun sighs, like his whole getting together affair with Sunggyu wasn’t the most dramatically drawn out charade that Howon has ever seen in his life.

“It would result in me telling you to shove it,” Howon says.

“What’s up with him though, he looks exhausted,” Woohyun asks, thankfully dropping it as he changes the subject, looking to where Myungsoo still sleeps.

“I have no idea,” Howon shrugs, fighting the urge to ask Woohyun if someone can really look exhausted whilst sleeping, “He seemed to be struggling to keep his eyes open, but was asking me questions about heart attacks.”

“Heart attacks? Really?” Woohyun says, as if that means something to him. Maybe it does.

“Yeah,” Howon shrugs. It was a bit weird, but he’d quickly learned Myungsoo was a bit weird, “He was asking me about heart attacks in young people? How common they were and stuff, I guess he was listening when I was telling you about the girl on shift the other day.”

“Was he now? What did you tell him?” Woohyun asks him curiously, something more behind it. Howon had stopped trying to figure out the things Woohyun would be interested in years ago.

“That it’s really unlikely before the age of 45 but of course it can happen? Especially if you’ve got some sort of underlying condition or one of the risk factors,” Howon explains. Myungsoo had been pretty interested in what those risk factors were, but he’s not one to judge.

Woohyun looks like he wants to say something significant, but he purses his lips and doesn’t, “Alright, you still need to go to bed though.”

Howon probably does, but Myungsoo is finally sleeping when he looks like he hasn’t in days, so Howon is reluctant to move.

“Howon,” Woohyun says, hands on hips which indicates he means business, “You could probably drop him on the floor and he wouldn’t wake up. Go. To. Bed.”

“Yes mum,” Howon says sarcastically, pushing Myungsoo off him as gently as he can manage before doing as Woohyun says.

He doesn’t get much sleep though, because he’s worrying about Myungsoo.

This is beginning to become a habit. 

 

**01:00**

When Howon comes home from work at 1 in the morning he’s not expecting anyone to be awake. He doesn’t know much about Myungsoo’s schedule (he’s not even sure he knows what he’s studying - Woohyun must have told him at some point but for the life of him he cannot remember what it is) but Woohyun has early morning classes every day of the week this semester that he hasn’t stopped bitching about since he made the class choices himself.

He blames the fact he’s not expecting it for the reason he doesn’t notice Myungsoo until he’s walked past him in the living room and Myungsoo speaks up (why he’s sitting up with the lights off is anyone’s guess, but it does match the whole look he’s got going on).

“Hey,” Myungsoo says, startling him, “Welcome home.”

Howon turns around with a forced smile, “Hi, I didn’t expect you to be up?”

“Assignments to work on,” Myungsoo says in a way that’s almost too casual. Howon doesn’t question it though because he’s been there.

“Ah,” Howon says sympathetically.

“There’s food in the fridge for you, if you haven’t eaten,” Myungsoo tells him. Howon doesn’t feel like eating, despite the fact he hasn’t since he started his shift at work, but he dutifully goes to retrieve the bowl of what looks like fried rice from the fridge and heats it up.

Howon probably could have lied and said he’d eaten at work, but he know he’s going to slip up eventually and bitch around Myungsoo about how he’s not allowed to eat anything at work and then he’d feel bad about lying to him.

When the bowl is finished he decides he might as well be social and go speak to Myungsoo. For the most part he’s been doing his usual thing, not seeking Myungsoo out for conversation but not rejecting him if he comes to him. He gets the feeling Myungsoo is a similar kind of person though, and since it’s Howon’s place Myungsoo has moved into he figures he can give it a shot, that Myungsoo might feel a bit like he’s unwelcome or invading Howon’s space.

“Can I turn the light on?” He asks Myungsoo, wondering if there’s a reason he’s studying in the dark.

“Go ahead,” Myungsoo says. With the light on Howon can see that Myungsoo is curled up in the corner of the couch, laptop perched on his lap looking absolutely exhausted. Howon relates to that immensely, the end of a semester is always hell.

Howon takes a seat on the opposite side of the couch to Myungsoo, not realising how hungry is until he starts to eat.

Myungsoo laughs at him, looking only slightly abashed when Howon looks at him, “Hungry?” he asks with a little grin.

“Starving, I’m not allowed to eat at work,” Howon admits. Which is stupid, what kind of restaurant doesn’t let their staff eat? A terrible one that’s what.

“Isn’t that like, illegal?” Myungsoo asks in confusion.

“Probably, but two shifts at different places don’t count as continuous work, so no food break,” He could look for a better job he supposes, but that’d be too much effort especially because he’ll hopefully be on the ambulance full time in two years.

Myungsoo frowns, but then asks, “I thought Woohyun said you finished your placement?”

“Oh, I have for now,” Howon says, unfortunately, he prefers the placement every day of the week, “This is my shitty restaurant job.”

“You do that on top of your placement hours?” Myungsoo asks wide eyed.

“I’ve got to pay the bills somehow,” Howon says between mouthfuls of food. He’s so hungry even Woohyun’s scrapped together attempts at cooking taste amazing.

“Don’t you get paid for placement?” Myungsoo asks curiously, before looking away, “Sorry, I don’t mean to interrogate you.”

Howon laughs, tries not to find Myungsoo’s interest and bashfulness adorable, “Iit’s fine, always happy to talk about myself.” He says, which isn’t exactly the truth but it makes Myungsoo laugh a little so he’s glad he said it, “The placement is for credits so we don’t get paid and it’s for no more than a month at a time so legally I don’t think they have to?” He’s not entirely sure he hasn’t looked into it, but he figures they wouldn’t be allowed to base the course around something illegal so he doesn’t question it.

Myungsoo frowns, “That’s not right! They’re taking advantage of your skills and labour and you have to do it like a job and not get paid like a job so you should be compensated.”

Howon is honestly so endeared by how adamant he is about it all, though that’s not something he’s going to examine closely.

“I guess the funding just isn’t in the system, and we _are_ learning,” Howon doesn’t mean to defend the system because it kind of is a pain in the ass, but since it’s the government being shitty there’s nothing complaining will do.

“That’s still not right.” Myungsoo insists. At some point, as Howon has been busy stuffing his face, he’s put his laptop aside and has angled his body into Howon, giving him his full attention.

“Well no, but I want to be a paramedic so I’ve got to learn somewhere right?” Howon asks with a laugh.

“If, if you don’t mind me asking,” Myungsoo says, looking away from his eyes, “Why do you want to be a paramedic? It sounds, kind of awful, so much sickness and injury and death.”

That’s a question Howon asks himself sometimes, but really it boils down to one thing, “I want to help people,” He says simply. Then he finds himself explaining further, just because Myungsoo looks so genuinely interested, “I did three years of biomed before, I don’t know I decided I didn’t want to be a doctor I wanted to, make a difference.”

Of course Doctor’s make a difference, but somehow this feels more right.

“Woohyun says you’re just an adrenaline junky,” Myungsoo says solemnly. Howon laughs at that, because Woohyun might not be wrong.

“Oh yeah?” He asks, “What else does Woohyun say about me.”

Howon’s pretty sure he’s imagining the way Myungsoo blushes, a trick of the admittedly not very good light, but he’s not imagining the way he shrugs, “Nothing nice.”

Howon laughs again, surprised by how much he’s enjoying Myungsoo’s company. Which might explain why he doesn’t find himself crawling into bed until almost 4 in the morning.

Somehow he can’t quite bring himself to care.

 

**02:00**

Howon is not drunk. He isn’t. He’s just letting Dongwoo walk him to his apartment door because he wants Dongwoo to feel important. Not because he can’t walk on his own. Not at all.

Maybe he had a drink. Or seven. But he’s not drunk. Tipsy maybe. Tipsy and tripsy.

He doesn’t need Dongwoo to walk him to his door, and he doesn’t need Woohyun to half drag him and dump him on the couch muttering about how he’s too heavy and Woohyun isn’t even going to try to drag him to his room.

“You’re going to wake Myungsoo,” Woohyun tells him with an exasperated huff.

“Oh, I like Myungsoo,” He tells Woohyun, “Does he want to be woken?”

“No, obviously not at 2 in the morning. No one wants to be woken at 2am,” Woohyun needs to sleep more, he’s really grumpy right now.

“You’re up when you should be sleeping, you’re grumpy away,” Howon tells him struggling to sit up.

“Yes, well whose fault is that?” Woohyun asks. Howon doesn’t know if that’s a question that needs and answer but he doesn’t want to answer so he doesn’t.

“Dongwoo. I could have got back by myself.” Howon says, as he decides sitting up is too hard and just rolls away from Woohyun till his face is buried in the couch.

“I’m sure you could. Dongwoo was surprised by how much you drunk. Any reason? Myungsoo reason?” Woohyun asks, sounding more awake and mischievous now

“Not drunk,” Howon insists, “Dongwoo did try make me ask Myungsoo out though. You all try to make me but I’m not going to!” He’s going to stand up for himself under peer pressure!

“Why not?” Woohyun asks, sounding really strange. Full of strangeness.

Howon thinks about it, long and hard through his drink addled brain. Why is Woohyun full of strangeness. It hits him, right in the head “You sound like Myungsoo,” he tells Woohyun solemnly, “I like him so much talking about him makes him sound here.”

“Howon,” A gentle hand on his face is gentler than Woohyun’s hand, “I am Myungsoo.”

“Oh, okay,” Howon rolls over on the couch (and doesn’t fall off so very much he isn’t drunk), “Your face is much nicer to look at than Woohyun’s.”

He doesn’t imagine the way Myungsoo blushes at that. Myungsoo blushes a lot, it’s one of Howon’s favourite things about him. Howon has many favourite things about him.

He pauses, “Did I say that out loud?” He asks Myungsoo, unsure, “I don’t think I meant to.”

“What? That my face is nicer than Woohyun’s?” Myungsoo asks.

“No, that I have lots of favourite things about you because I really like you?” Howon says. Oh, he wasn’t meant to tell Myungsoo that. Too late now.

“I like you too,” Myungsoo tells him with a nice smile. Myungsoo’s smile is always nice.

“But I like you a lot. Like I want to ask you out a lot,” Howon tells him solemnly, “But don’t tell yourself, it’s a secret.”

“Okay,” Myungsoo smiles at him, a hesitant but nice smile, “But, if I did tell myself, I would also say I’d like you to ask me out too.” He frowns, “That doesn’t make sense, and I don’t even have the alcohol excuse.”

Howon reaches out to clumsily smooth out Myungsoo’s forehead, “Don’t frown. I like your face when you don’t frown,” Then, the rest of the sentence filters through his foggy brain. Perhaps he is more drunk than he thought, “Oh. You want to go out?”

Myungsoo nods but doesn’t say anything. Howon is 80% sure he nods and it’s not just the room spinning.

“Okay, go out with me please?” Howon asks him with the biggest grin he can make his face make right now.

Then, before he hears Myungsoo’s response, he’s asleep.

 

_(In the morning Myungsoo will ask him with a shy smile if he really meant to ask him out._

_And well no, Howon never would have in a million years, but he’s glad he did so he lies._

_For once in his life, he thanks Nam Woohyun and his own drunken illusions of confidence)._

 

**03:00**

Every time Howon has a placement shift that ends late at night he makes the same mistake.

He lets the bone deep exhaustion of a 12 hour shift and the two hour commute to the station win. He falls into bed, not even giving thought to anything but sleeping for a day.

Tonight, as most nights, Howon wakes up at 3 in the morning absolutely starving.

Some nights he tries to will himself back to sleep, but he knows getting up will be inevitable so tonight he doesn’t even bother.

After scarfing down whatever he could find in the fridge (he doesn’t know what it is, and he’s probably glad for that) he makes a quick detour to the living room as has become almost a habit for him in these early hours of the morning.

The sight of Myungsoo sitting up in the dark hunched over his laptop. is not anywhere close to surprising. What is slightly surprising is he has his headphone. Howon knows that Myungsoo isn’t studying because he claims he can’t study with headphones in. Instead he’s probably watching, something.

Howon’s honestly not sure what he does watch since he’s so secretive about it, never letting Howon see. It could be anything from weird anime porn to Spanish telenovelas, Howon doesn’t have a clue and frankly finding out is not really anywhere near the top of his priority list.

He is slightly concerned about the way Myungsoo is sitting though, legs curled under him, back hunched and neck craned at an awkward angle. It’ll probably hurt in the morning and trigger an anxiety attack, so Howon should convince him to move.

Telling him that it’ll make him sore in the morning will probably just cause an anxiety attack or an argument now (Howon has made that mistake once or six times before learning) so instead he creeps up behind Myungsoo and wraps an arm around his shoulder.

Myungsoo jumps, reflectively slamming the lid of his laptop shut, and slides it away from him. His headphones tug his head forward slightly, before sliding out and he looks so ridiculously clumsy Howon has to fight the urge to laugh.

“Watching porn without me?” Howon murmurs cheekily instead. He actually has no idea what was on the screen since he doesn’t have his glasses on, but the way Myungsoo splutters for a bit before straightening up and holding his resolve is definitely amusing.

“Well if you were a better boyfriend and didn’t spend your life sleeping, I wouldn’t have to” Myungsoo mutters. It’s playful, but Howon isn’t sure if the slight undercurrent of hurt there is real or a manifestation of his own guilt.

“Sorry,” Howon says, kissing Myungsoo’s neck where his (Howon’s) shirt has fallen down his shoulder, “I promise I’ll try and grow a tentacle or something if I’m losing your interesting in the bedroom.”

“You’re cheesy and lame,” Myungsoo laughs at him.

Howon will cop to that, but he’d like to point out Myungsoo is equally cheesy and lame constantly. He also doesn’t have the sleep deprivation excuse, “Says you. Do you want to talk about our second date again?

“No,” Myungsoo says, craning his neck backwards so he can kiss Howon. It’s not the best kiss they’ve ever had, Howon is pretty sure he’s going to be the one with a sore neck in the morning, but it’s nice in the way kissing Myungsoo always is. Something he’s sure he’ll never get tired of.

He pulls away when Myungsoo tries to deepen the kiss, ignoring the way Myungsoo whines.

“Come here,” Myungsoo says, making grabbing motions at him and trying to kiss him again.

Howon pulls back, “No, I don’t think so. I think I’m going to go back to bed,” he says, getting up and trying to ignore the way his back pulls. Nothing some sleep and anti-inflammatories won’t fix.

Myungsoo mutters something under his breathe about a tease (and a tentacle? But Howon is probably mishearing that. He hopes) as Howon leaves the room.

“I said bed, not sleep,” Howon tells him over his shoulder, aware he’s being cheesy and not particularly caring.

Especially not when Myungsoo hurries after him.

 

 

**04:00**

Howon loves what he’s studying he really does. It’s interesting and he always wants to learn more, and it’s for a good purpose - the degree he’ll come out with at the other end of it won’t just be a nice piece of paper to hang on the wall; it’ll help him get a job that will make a difference.

He loves learning but he hates studying, the writing of essays and the revision for exams; realises he’s probably not alone in that.

Between his inclination towards procrastination and his insane current schedule of work and placement hours, it’s no surprise he finds himself perched on the couch in the living room scrambling to finish a reflection essay that’s due in fourteen hours time.

He has a shift at work that starts at 2pm, so maybe if he’s lucky he’ll be able to squeeze in a 90 minute nap (probably not if he’s being honest with himself).

He’s in the middle of slogging through a paragraph about what went wrong on his chosen job when he becomes aware that someone is watching him. Looking up he finds Myungsoo standing in the doorway looking at him hesitantly.

“Hi,” Howon smiles, trying to keep his voice down because Woohyun is (probably) sleeping, “What are you doing up so late?”

Myungsoo smiles awkwardly, “I,” he pauses here, looking like he’s deep in thought before he says, “I was hungry.”

Howon quickly checks the time on his laptop screen surprised to find it’s four in the morning ( he’s lost an hour - could have sworn it only three) , “Midnight munchies?” he asks Myungsoo as kindly as he can manage.

“Something like that,” Myungsoo says cryptically. Myungsoo does some weird things that Howon can’t understand sometimes so he doesn’t question it, isn’t sure where his boundaries with Myungsoo lie now considering they’ve agreed to go on a date but haven’t actually had time yet with the end of semester rush.

“Alright,” Howon smiles at him, feeling like he should be working but not wanting to be rude to Myungsoo. More than that, he wants to talk to Myungsoo, though he’s not sure what one says to the roommate they might be dating at three am.

“Umm, you were saying earlier than you didn’t really get a lot to eat, because your placement, so I made you some as well?” Myungsoo says, sounding even more hesitant than before, “It’s just ramen, and you don’t have to eat if you don’t want to,”

Howon cuts him off before he talks himself in circles, “Thank you Myungsoo, that sounds nice,” he says, hating how awkward he sounds. He is starving is the thing, but he’d been using food as something of a bribe to himself - he would get up and eat when he finished this infernal paragraph (which at the rate he’s writing is going to be when breakfast comes around).

Myungsoo smiles, a small but pleased looking grin (a grin Howon strives to put on his face - not that he will ever, ever admit that out loud) before disappearing into the kitchen and emerging a minute later with the two bowls.

“Do you need a drink, I can get a drink,” Myungsoo says once he’s handed a bowl to Howon, fluttering around a bit.

“Thank you. But I’m fine,” Howon gestures to the half full water bottle perched precariously on one of his textbooks on the living room table, “Sit down,”

“Okay,” Myungsoo says with a nod sitting down on the other side of the couch from Howon.

As they eat Myungsoo’s foot slowly finds it’s way until it’s hooked underneath Howon’s thigh, which makes him smile. It’s the only thing that makes him smile, because the longer he watches Myungsoo the more concerned he gets.

Howon had assumed that Myungsoo had been busy worrying about overstepping bounds with the ramen when he came into the room (and it reassures Howon more than it should that someone as clingy as Myungsoo has doubts about the lines this whole thing as well). Now though Myungsoo still looks wound tight, tense in his skin in a way that’s unnatural for him.

“You okay?” Howon eventually has to ask him, putting his now empty bowl down on the table. He’s not sure what he would do if Myungsoo were to tell him he wasn’t, has never been equipped to help anyone with anything emotional as Sungyeol loves to remind him (as if Sungyeol is better). Still he needs to make sure, because Myungsoo looks _off_ and Howon hates seeing him like that.

“I’m tired,” Myungsoo admits, putting his bowl down as well despite the fact it’s half full. Howon may not know as much about Myungsoo as he would like (he wants to know everything and so much more if he’s being honest with himself), but he does know that Myungsoo not inhaling his food at the speed of light is probably a bad sign.

“Well then sleep,” Howon suggests sarcastically with a raised eyebrow, regretting it immediately when Myungsoo curls in on himself slightly. Obviously if he’s tired Myungsoo would be sleeping if he could; there must be a reason he’s not, “Do you have an assignment to be working on or something?” Howon asks, trying to belatedly cushion his words.

He knows he fails, and Myungsoo must too. Myungsoo doesn’t snap back (which potentially makes him feel worse) just smiles a bit sadly, “I just can’t turn my brain off.”

“Okay,” Howon nods, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No,” Myungsoo sighs, “Not anything I’ve ever found that works at least.” It sounds like something he struggles with regularly. Howon can believe that, from everything he’s seen of Myungsoo.

“That sucks,” Howon says because sympathetic words have never been his strength. He figures actions speak better than words, though so he opens his arms, “Come here then.”

“Are you sure,” Myungsoo asks him hesitantly (Howon wonders if he’s been so cold that Myungsoo thinks he doesn’t want to _hug_ him).

“Well, it’s probably not going to turn your brain off, but it might make you feel better,” Howon says since even a blind man would probably notice how much Myungsoo thrives off physical affection.

Myungsoo doesn’t have to be told twice, crawling over to Howon and tucking himself into a little ball as he wriggles under Howon’s arm. Howon tries not to laugh at how adorable he looks, eyes screwed shut, and hair falling into his eyes. Howon wants to run his fingers through it.

“Thank you,” Myungsoo sighs, burying his head into Howon’s neck. Howon gives into the urge and runs gentle fingers through Myungsoo’s hair.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Howon laughs, it is absolutely no inconvenience for him to have Myungsoo pressed so close to him, exactly the opposite in fact.

“You can keep working on your essay,” Myungsoo tells him after what feels like an eternity yet not even close to long enough. He starts to pull away reluctantly. Howon doesn’t let him, wrapping his arm tighter around his waist.

“Okay, but you don’t have to, go, if you don’t want, though I mean if you want to go feel free. To go.” Howon says feeling as awkward as he probably sounds. Definitely sounds.

“If you’re sure,” Myungsoo says, even as he settles back into his side.

“I’m sure,” Howon tells him picking his laptop up from where he’d deposited it on the table, ready to dive back into the world of self-reflection

When he looks back down at Myungsoo fifteen minutes later, surprised he hasn’t grown bored yet, he’s finds Myungsoo has fallen asleep. He tries not to smile, Myungsoo must have been more exhausted than he realised, and goes back to work.

His essay probably takes triple the time it would have when he has to type one handed, Myungsoo tucked under his other arm. He can’t even pretend to regret it.

 

 

**05:00**

The first time Howon ever sees one of Myungsoo’s anxiety attacks is not long after Myungsoo moves in (though he won’t realise it’s an anxiety attack until months later).Woohyun and Howon have lived together, just the two of them in a three bedroom place, since their original roommate moved out in the second year of Howon’s first degree.

Unfortunately, since Howon has had to cut his hours at his restraunt job because of all the hours of placement he has to do, they can no longer afford the rent alone. Which is where Myungsoo comes in.

Howon isn’t entirely sure where Woohyun found Myungsoo, he’d been knee deep in his first hospital placement at the time, but as far as he could remember he was a friend of Sungyeol.

Myungsoo is a nice kid, a little clingy from what Howon can see, and unsettlingly sincere in a way that Howon isn’t accustom to but for the most part he’s a good roommate.

Howon hasn’t had the opportunity to spend much time with him though since his schedule has become a little nocturnal due to his placement, so he hasn’t decided exactly what he thinks of him.

He’s just gotten back from the last twelve-hour shift of this placement (he’ll get to do it all over again in a month) and he just wants to sleep. He skips the kitchen and the bathroom, figuring he’ll get to it when he wakes up and flops straight into bed.

He’s on the verge of sleep, barely 5 minutes later when there’s a knock at his door, tentative but unmistakably there. It’s probably Woohyun, wanting something inane, so Howon ignores it.

Except he knocks again, and again, and finally when it becomes clear Howon isn’t going to answer him, he pushes the door open a crack, “Howon,” Woohyun whispers, sounding the closest to hesitant Howon has heard him in a while, “I’m not sure if you’re asleep or just really wish you were, but if it’s the second we could use your, expertise.”

The only reason Howon responds is the use of the word expertise, he’s pretty sure Woohyun isn’t talking about his dancing, which leaves one thing other thing he could be considered to have expertise in.

“What happened?” He asks, sitting up slowly. It can’t be that serious if Woohyun hasn’t come bursting into his room in hysterics, but there’s still something going on for him to come in at all.

Howon doesn’t think he’s imagining the sigh of relief from Woohyun, “We kind of really need your help,” he says, pushing the door open so that the light spills across Howon’s face.

Howon gets up with a sigh, ignoring the way his body protests after the long day, the fact rest was so close yet so far. He follows Woohyun out through the living room and surprisingly into the kitchen.

Once there he finds Myungsoo sitting on the floor huddled next to the fridge. On first glance there doesn’t seem to be anything glaringly obvious with him (no blood or trauma or askew limbs) though of course he knows all to well that doesn’t mean there’s is nothing wrong with him.

“What?” Howon turns to Woohyun in confusion.

“He thinks he’s having a stroke,” Woohyun whispers back.

Howon turns and looks and Myungsoo who, by the looks of it, is not having a stroke at all. It’d be extremely unlikely for someone that young to have a spontaneous stroke, but of course his conscience won’t let him dismiss it.

“Myungsoo,” Howon asks, walking further into the room until he’s standing over Myungsoo, “Why do you think you’re having a stroke?”

Howon crouches down, quickly running his eyes over Myungsoo. He could have history of stroke, or lupus or any number of congenital malformations that could cause a stroke, but he doesn’t have any of the physical manifestations of one.

“I don’t think I’m having a stroke but what if I am?” Myungsoo asks, looking up at him with big, slightly tearful eyes. Howon is taken aback.

“Is there any reason for you to have a stroke? Underlying condition? History of stroke? Clotting disorder?” Howon asks him slowly.

“No,” Myungsoo says, sounding frustrated of all things. Frustration doesn’t quite make sense in this situationbut Howon accepts it and moves on, “I’m probably not - I’m…” he trails off.

“What makes you think you’re having a stroke? Any symptoms?” Howon asks, rocking back on his heels. This is his last attempt, if he gets a vague answer again he’s writing this off as a drunken incident (even though Myungsoo looks sober and coherent)

“My head hurts. I feel dizzy. That’s it, I don’t think there’s a stroke but there could be a stroke you know?” He asks. Howon doesn’t know but he takes him as seriously as he can manage.

“How is your sight?” Howon asks, trying not to ask a leading question.

“It’s fine, it’s good. I can see.” Myungsoo says. If his vision is fine and he’s not slurring (from the bits of speech Howon has managed to coax out of him) and he very obviously doesn’t have weakness in one side of his body he’s not having a stroke.

Now he just has to convince Myungsoo of that.

“Put your arms out, in front of your body,” He tells Myungsoo abruptly.

“What?” Myungsoo asks, looking at him in shock. Howon fights the urge to roll his eyes, only because he knows that will help no one.

“Arms, in front of your body. Perpendicular,” he says slower.

Myungsoo starts to raise his arms slowly, like he’s not sure this is what Howon wants. Howon doesn’t have the time or patience for this so he firmly grabs Myungsoo’s wrists and pulls them up until they’re straight out in front of him (taking the opportunity to surreptitiously check his pulse - also normal).

“Now, I want you to close your eyes, okay?” Howon asks him, using all his practice to keep his voice gentle (he’s not particularly good at it yet, but his mentor tells him it’ll come - eventually), “Then I’m going to let go of your arms, and you need to keep them where they are for me. Can you do that?”

Myungsoo looks confused but nods, “Okay.”

“You need to close your eyes,” Howon reminds Myungsoo when he continues to just blink at Hoya.

“Right, okay,” Myungsoo nods again, then thankfully he closes his eyes.

Howon waits a second or two before letting go of his grip on Myungsoo’s wrists. His hands wobble, but stay where they are. Howon waits, let’s a minute pass (though he knows it’s probably feeling a lot longer than that to Myungsoo).

Finally he says, “Open your eyes, ”

Myungsoo obeys straight away.

“If you were having a stroke you’d have weakness in one side,” Howon explains, getting up off the floor because crisis averted he’d now like to get more than 5 hours sleep for the first time in a month, “If you had weakness in one side, you wouldn’t have been able to support your arms for a minute and one would have fallen. You are fine, you’re not having a stroke.”

“Oh,” Myungsoo says looking at his arms thoughtfully, “That always works?”

“Well, in most cases. It’s a very good indicator,” Howon explains, already backing out of the kitchen. Still he has to check and ask before he goes, “Are you okay now? Can I go to bed.”

Myungsoo nods so hard Howon’s half expecting his head to roll off his body, and this would have all been for nothing (he tries not to laugh at the mental image).

“Yes, yes. Sorry to bother you,” Myungsoo says, looking down at his hands, “I was being stupid.”

If Howon is being honest Myungsoo was kind of being stupid, but even if his sleep deprived state he’s not cruel enough to actually tell Myungsoo that. Instead he just shakes his head, “It’s fine, anytime.”

Then he’s off, back to his bedroom, Woohyun trailing behind him,

“What was that about?” he asks Woohyun, outside the door to his room.

Woohyun shakes his head, whether he doesn’t know or doesn’t want to tell Howon he’s not sure (he doesn’t care).

“Does that, what you told him does that really work?” Woohyun asks, just as Howon thought he was home free.

“As far as Myungsoo is concerned,” Howon shrugs.

He’s not expecting Woohyun to frown and fix him with a glare, “Did you just lie to him?”

“No,” Howon says, feeling offended at the accusation, “It’s not a foolproof method or anything but like I told him it’s a good indication, especially since it’s usually pretty fucking obvious when you’re having a stroke and he very clearly was not.”

“Oh, well,” Woohyun says, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Howon huffs, shutting his door behind him with a loud click. He doesn’t care if Woohyun thinks he’s going into labour he’s not leaving his room until he’s slept at least twelve hours.

Howon doesn’t know why Myungsoo thought he was having a stroke, and maybe in the morning he’ll feel bad for being so dismissive.

Myungsoo doesn’t mention it in the morning, and besides a few looks from Woohyun that Howon can’t decipher it’s not brought up again.

So Howon forgets about it fairly quickly.

 

 

**06:00**

Howon is unceremoniously woken one day in the middle of exam season by someone lying flat across his back. Unless someone has broken into the house it can really only be one person (Woohyun is living here less and less every day).

“Myungsoo,” Howon groans, “What the fuck are you doing.”

“Well,” Myungsoo says, sounding way too chirpy for whatever time it is (too early in the morning - the sun isn’t up and so they shouldn’t be up), “You told me to let you nap for two hours and then wake you up, so here I am, waking you up.”

On second thought Myungsoo doesn’t sound chirpy so much as hysterically sleep deprived.

“What fucking time is it? And did you sleep at all?” Howon asks before burying his head underneath his pillow.

“6 in the morning! And no!” Myungsoo answers, ripping the pillow off Howon’s face and throwing it on the ground.

“You owe me a new pillow,” Howon mutters, not really able to move because Myungsoo’s entire body weight is lying over his. Not that he has any inclination to move, he doesn’t know why he’d want to wake up this early, or get that little sleep.

“It’s the carpet you big baby, you’ve slept on grosser floors,” Myungsoo says, pinching Howon’s bare back right above his shoulder blade. Howon makes a mental note to get Woohyun for teaching Myungsoo that next time he sees him (ifhe ever sees Woohyun again).

Howon murmurs out a noise, already feeling himself slipping back to sleep. Myungsoo’s not a particularly heavy person, so his weight is more solid than uncomfortable, especially considering the fact his weight is so evenly distributed.

Unfortunately Myungsoo has other ideas, “No, come on get up,” he says, smacking Howon on the shoulders. It starts random, before developing into some rhythm that’s vaguely melodic.

Excellent, Howon has gone from Myungsoo’s boyfriend to personal drum.

“I told you to wake me up, now I’m telling you to let my sleep,” Howon whines. He knows he has pretty much lost this battle, but he has to give it one last shot.

“Nope, you said don’t let you say that,” Myungsoo says. Howon is pretty sure that’s a lie - at least 90% sure. That doesn’t sound like something he would say.

“You’re the worst.”

“No, I’m the best,” Myungsoo says cheerfully, finally stopping his drumming.

“Debatable,” Howon retorts. Then, because he has to know he asks, “When was the last time you slept?”

“I don’t know, like two days ago? Maybe,” Myungsoo says sounding genuinely confused.

“As a medical professional,” Howon starts to say

“In training,” Myungsoo interjects like the shit head he is on the inside.

“As a medical professional in training, even I know you need to sleep more than that,” Howon tells him. Not that he’s one to talk in regards to getting enough sleep (the irony of the medical profession getting terribly irregular sleep is certainly not lost on Howon) but at least he’s tried.

“I don’t have time to sleeeep,” Myungsoo honest to god whines.

“You produce better work when you’re not running of fuuuumes,” Howon says, matching his tone.

“I know, I do,” Myungsoo concedes, dropping his head to rest in between Howon’s shoulder blades, “I’m so tired,” he admits, in a whisper. The cheerful (bordering on hysterical) tone has gone from his voice, leaving him sounding totally shattered.

“How about this,” Howon suggests, “We sleep for a bit, not all day just a bit, go out to get something to eat, remember what the sun looks like, then we’ll come home and get so much work done.”

“That does sound nice,” Myungsoo says, wistfully. Just doing anything together is rare at the moment, between exams and essays and placement for Howon.

“Good, then how about you get off me and come and sleep,” Howon says, “And on your way get my pillow.”

“Hmm,” Myungsoo hums like he’s considering it, “I would, but I’m comfy here, so goodnight.”

Howon isn’t even surprised.

 

 

**07:00**

Howon waking to an empty bed at seven on a Sunday morning isn’t exactly an unusual occurrence. Some mornings Myungsoo has plans or assignments to work on. Myungsoo also still has his own room that he choses to sleep in semi-regularly (mostly when Howon has a late night shift so they’re not disturbing each other when they’re coming and going).

Howon knows though that Myungsoo was there when he went to sleep last night, very excited about the fact they’d both get to spend a lazy Sunday morning together with no work or university obligations.

Howon waits five minutes, hoping Myungsoo is just in the bathroom or something, but as the minutes tick on Myungsoo doesn’t come back and Howon finds that lazy sleepiness he really loves about his (increasingly rare) days off slipping away from him.

It’s with a heavy sigh that he manages to drag himself from bed, searching for the sweatshirt he usually leaves at the foot of his bed. He gives up when he’s unable to find it and throws on his jacket from last night on before he goes looking for Myungsoo.

He’s not in the kitchen or living area, and the door to Myungsoo’s own bedroom is sitting open, the room very clearly empty. Howon is sure there is no reason that would lead him into Woohyun’s room whilst the other is still away which means he must be in the bathroom.

Howon sighs, steels himself for an anxiety attack and heads for the bathroom.

As he predicted Myungsoo is standing in the bathroom. He’s wearing the sweatshirt Howon couldn’t find, and unusually is staring at his reflection his face a few inches away from the surface of the mirror.

Usually Howon would crack a joke about vanity, precisely because Myungsoo is one of the least vain people he’s ever met, but something about the way Myungsoo seems to be starting at his eyes more than his face tells him this is _something_.

Howon makes sure his steps are heavy as he approaches, even though Myungsoo is probably able to see him in the mirror. Despite that, Myungsoo jumps slightly when Howon wraps an arm around his waist, pressing his hand against his stomach.

“Good morning,” Howon says, feeling the sleep in his voice.

“Good morning,” Myungsoo returns softly as he bends his knees slightly.

“I thought you had grand plans to sleep in today,” Howon says as lightly as he can manage, propping his chin on Myungsoo’s shoulder now it’s at a more reasonable height, “What happened?”

“I had a dream,” Myungsoo says, still looking at his eyes as if he expects to find the mysteries of the universe staring back at him.

“A bad dream?” Howon hazards a guess. He’s pretty sure a good dream would warrant this kind of behaviour.

Myungsoo pauses, as if he’s giving a great deal of consideration to the question before he answers, “It wasn’t a good dream, but I’m not sure it was a nightmare or anything.”

“Not a nightmare is good,” Howon says as Myungsoo continues to stare in the mirror.

“It was kind of freaky though,” Myungsoo admits eventually tearing his eyes away from his own reflection only to look at Howon through the mirror.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Howon offers hesitantly. He actually has no idea if Myungsoo wants to talk about it or not, can’t read him in the slightest right now. He does know Myungsoo won’t be offended that he asked so he might as well try.

“It was, my eye was bleeding,” Myungsoo says. Howon should have known, not that it was a bleeding eye but that it was a medical thing, “Like tears but more, just leaking from my eye and I was looking at myself and wiping it away but it just kept bleeding until eventually my eyeball turned into blood and just oozed out it’s socket.”

“And that wasn’t a nightmare?” Howon asks incredulously. He can’t help it, even with everything he sees on placement that sounds like a pretty graphic dream to have.

“Well, I wasn’t panicking in it, I wasn’t scared. I just kept wiping it away, super calm,” Myungsoo explains oddly calm himself, “And, thinking about it is really quite graphic but it didn’t scare me at the time. So is that a nightmare?”

“I’m not exactly up to date on the exact definition of a nightmare,” Howon tells him dryly. Myungsoo snorts, “But, I can promise you that your eyeball is not going to turn into blood, that is medically impossible.”

“I don’t think my eyeball is going to turn into blood,” Myungsoo says defensively, even as he continues to peer at his eye in the mirror.

“So you’ve been staring at your eye in the mirror for the past twenty minutes why?” Howon asks, eyebrow cocked judgementally.

Myungsoo blushes slightly, but says dryly “Because I’m enthralled by how stunningly beautiful my eyes are.”

“Your eyes are stunning,” Howon agrees equally as dryly, pulling Myungsoo away with his arms still wrapped around his waist. He could probably lift Myungsoo if he really wanted to, but it’s too early in the morning for that, “But you might want to stop before I start to think you’re self absorbed.”

“You’d know a thing or two about being self absorbed,” Myungsoo tells him faux grumpily but allows Howon to coax him back to bed.

They don’t get up again until afternoon.

 

 

**08:00**

Howon would like to say he was woken by the ringing of his phone at eight in the morning, but unfortunately he was already awake. It’s not even like he has anywhere he needs to be until his work shift this afternoon, it’s just that his body is so used to getting up early for placement the past week that he found himself wide awake at 7:30.

The person on the other end of the phone doesn’t know that however so Howon takes the opportunity to snap “I hope you know how early it is,” down the line as he answers.

“I don’t care how early it is,” Sungyeol snaps back, though he doesn’t sound particularly offended, “you need to control your boyfriend.”

“What’s Myungsoo done this time?” Howon asks not really worried since Sungyeol sounds annoyed more than overwhelmed or concerned, “If you tried to start another prank war with him that’s entirely on you.”

“You know how I’m flying out to Japan on the weekend…” Sungyeol starts to ask.

Howon can’t help cutting him off dryly, “Yes, I may have heard you mention it once or twice.” Sungyeol hasn’t shut up about it since he was picked to go on a business trip by his new employer. Howon was proud of him of course, Sungyeol has been working so hard to shed the (unwarranted) lazy and useless label he gained in high school that followed him to university. It doesn’t mean he wants to hear about it constantly .

“Yes, well your fucking boyfriend has told me almost as many times that I should be careful when I fly,” Sungyeol says, “Making me lists of things I need to do to avoid DVT, which is fine okay I get Myungsoo can’t control his anxiety and he worries. Today though he tried to convince me I shouldn’t fly at all, and this is getting out of hand.

Howon is surprised about that, he’s seen Myungsoo worry about the health of the people he loves which is probably normal. Usually though it a brief worry, a fleeting concern that he’s quick to dismiss through logic - finding it easier to apply logic to other’s than himself.

He’s never seen Myungsoo try and convince someone not to do something for fear of a medical situation, rather it’s usually musing after someone mentions a symptom in passing (the time Myungsoo was convinced Sunggyu was having a stroke when he really just had low blood sugar springs to mind immediately).

“He tried to convince you not to go?” Howon asks, just to clarify that Sungyeol is not over exaggerating.

“Yes, he told me that it would be better if I didn’t go because DVT is serious business,” Sungyeol says in his Myungsoo mocking voice, “I can deal with the lists, I can buy a pair of stupid socks if it puts Myungsoo’s mind at ease. I am not canceling this trip on my boss though,” Sungyeol says, sounding determined.

“No one’s expecting you to cancel your trip,” Howon tells him knowing Sungyeol never would, not even for Myungsoo (maybe for Myungsoo if he was actually ill or injured but not for this), “Myungsoo probably isn’t even expecting it, I’m not his keeper though. What do you want me to do about it?”

“You’re pretty much the only one he listens to when it comes to this stuff,” Sungyeol says dismissively, “Trust me, I tried. He told me I wasn’t a medical professional and I didn’t know the risks.”

That does sound like Myungsoo. Sometimes Howon wonders if the whole reason he’s kept around is because of his medical knowledge, though of course he knows that’s a ridiculously thought to have, “I’ll try and talk to him.” Howon sighs.

“Thank you,” Sungyeol says smugly, as if he always knew Howon would do this for him.

Still, Howon feels for Sungyeol. If Howon struggles dealing with Myungsoo’s anxiety sometimes, not knowing if he’s really helping or simply making things worse, than Sungyeol feels that twice as much. Sungyeol doesn’t have any sort of medical degree, got a business degree to please his parents. He’s told Howon before that he feels anything he says to Myungsoo could make things worse.

Howon knows that feeling. It’s why he’s not surprised when Sungyeol asks, “How is he? At the moment? With the anxiety?”

Howon spends the next half an hour catching Sungyeol up to date on what he can gage about Myungsoo’s current mental state (he’d feel bad about it, but this is Sungyeol who cares about Myungsoo so much, who just wants to help his best friend) before they drift onto other topics.

Once the call comes to a close, because Sungyeol has to go to work, Howon goes to find Myungsoo.

Not that he’s lost exactly, Howon has been able to hear him pottering around in the kitchen for the last twenty minutes, loudly.

“Myungsoo,” Howon says as he walks into the kitchen, startling Myungsoo into jumping just slightly, “Can I talk to you for a second.”

“What did I do?” Myungsoo asks guiltily straight away. Then he narrows his eyes, “What did you do?”

“I did nothing,” Howon says with a roll of his eyes, “I wanted to ask you about why you don’t want Sungyeol to go to Japan.”

“Oh that,” Myungsoo says faux casually, turning away from Howon, “Have you been gossiping about me behind my back?”

“No, Sungyeol just mentioned in passing,” Howon says. It’s a lie, but it’s not a total lie, because it might have been the point of the conversation but it wasn’t all they talked about.

“Oh, well. I don’t want him to get DVT. I don’t think he should fly,” Myungsoo says, the high set of his shoulders giving away how tense he is.

“Myungsoo,” Howon says gently, hoping up onto on of the breakfast bar stools, “Why are you so worried about DVT? Where did this come from, you were fine with Sunggyu going overseas a few months ago.”

Myungsoo mutters something that Howon doesn’t quite hear so he has to ask him to repeat it. “I said, I did worry about it. I wasn’t fine. I thought the whole time he was away he was going to get it,” Myungsoo says, almost yelling this time. Surely they’ve woken Woohyun up by now.

“Myungsoo, what do you actually know about DVT?” Howon asks, having a sneaking suspicion that Myungsoo doesn’t really know much, considering he usually tends to avoid all specifics about any diseases he comes across.

“It’s blood clotting, in your legs. Blood clots are never good because if they get to a major organ you’re fucked,” Myungsoo tells him solemnly. Howon tries not to snort because he’s not exactly wrong, but he is missing some vital information.

“Yes, but Sungyeol has none of the risk factors for DVT, it’s pretty rare, and it’s very treatable Myungsoo. Really easy to treat, plus he has the advice you’ve given him. He’ll be fine,” Howon reassures Myungsoo.

“I, know that now. That he’ll be fine, not the other stuff,” Myungsoo says, words tripping over each other in his haste to make Howon understand, “But at the time, the thought that he could just, it made me panic, it took me by surprise.”

“I understand. But I promise you DVT is not a death sentence. He’s unlikely to get one at all, but if he is, it’ll be okay.” Howon tells him. Wants to reassure Myungsoo so much.

“Thank you,” Myungsoo says, pausing before turning around, and asking hesitantly, “What are the risk factors?”

Howon tells him most of them, because he knows Myungsoo doesn’t have any of them and neither does anyone else in their group of friends, “Women on the pill, obesity, history of clotting diseases. Sungyeol fits none of those groups.”

He doesn’t mention smoking though because Sunggyu is the one that flies the most.

“Oh, okay good,” Myungsoo says, shoulders dropping, tension leaking out of them, “Good. Thank you. Now come and help me cook, don’t just sit on your ass and expect me to do it for you.”

“Yes sir,” Howon says sarcastically, though super pleased by how easily Myungsoo had dropped the subject. They cook, they eat, and then all too soon Myungsoo has to go get ready for class

“You know, have you ever thought that you’re doing more harm than good, being so accommodating to his anxieties?” Woohyun asks him, coming into the room once Myungsoo leaves. It shouldn’t surprise Howon anymore, Woohyun eavesdropping.

“No, of course not. Making him feel better isn’t doing harm,” Howon snaps back, annoyed at whatever shit Woohyun is about to spurt.

“Do you know about the obsessive compulsive cycle? The reinforcement of thoughts and actions?” Woohyun asks him conversationally, leaning against the wall casually.

“No,” Howon answers shortly, “And neither do you. You’re not studying psychology Woohyun stop pretending you are.”

“I’m not, but my boyfriend is, so I think I know a bit more than you,” Woohyun says haughtily.

“I’m dating Soo but he doesn’t know jack shit about treating or diagnosing injuries,” Howon shoots back.

Woohyun softens slightly, “I’m just trying to help.”

“Well don’t,” Howon says shortly, not wanting to talk about this. He’s always, so scared, that his way of helping Myungsoo is hurting more than it’s helping. Still if Myungsoo refuses to see a professional of any kind well the Howon is going to keep supporting him in anyway he can. Doing anything that seems to help Myungsoo.

“Alright, point taken,” Woohyun says softly, “You know best.”

He’s wrong there, Howon doesn’t know best; he has no idea what he’s doing.

 

**09:00**

Howon can’t remember the last time their little group of seven got together properly, perhaps the joint birthday celebration he and Myungsoo had months ago knowing there’s no way they’d get all their friends out at the same time twice so close together. Considering how busy they all are at the moment it’s surprising that five of them have managed to have time to grab breakfast together, even if Howon rolled out of bed after four hours sleep for this.

Sungjong is making up placement hours, and Howon has no idea where Dongwoo possibly could be, he’d just said he had plans already in the group chat.

Howon enjoys spending time with his friends, but as he sits and listens to Woohyun in one of his questioning moods he wonders if it was really worth the lack of sleep (even if he thinks it’s been a week since he last saw Woohyun).

“I didn’t go to medial school to answer your dumb ass question Woohyun,” Howon says sarcastically when Woohyun starts to ask if your pulse and heartbeat are always in synch (though he entirely means it), “Ask the internet.”

“You didn’t even go to medical school,” Sungyeol points out helpfully.

“I did three years of medical school,” Howon scoffs, which is perhaps not technically true. He did do pre-medical school though so it as good as counts.

“My questions aren’t dumb, they’re insightful if slightly left of field.”

“Howon, do you build up a tolerance to painkillers the same way you do to alcohol? Howon when you’re swallowing do solids and liquids end up in the same place? Howon is it possible to murder someone with popcorn? Howon if I jump off the roof of this building will I die?” Howon starts to mock Woohyun, well aware he’s probably getting slightly carried away.

“Hey,” Woohyun protests as everyone at the table laughs, “I never asked you the last one!”

“You might as well have,” Howon scoffs.

“Yeah,” Sungyeol chimes in, never missing an opportunity to get in a dig at Woohyun, “I distinctly remember you asking Howon what the chances of surviving the jump off a five story building was.”

“I did not,” Woohyun protests adamantly.

“You did,” Sunggyu interjects with a little grin, “Although you were so smashed I’m not surprised that you don’t remember it.”

“You’re meant to be on my side here,” Woohyun hisses, pinching Sunggyu’s hand. Someone should really remind Woohyun that he’s almost never on Sunggyu’s side for things that aren’t serious. Howon doesn’t want that job though.

“Whatever these are all important questions I needed to know the answer to,” Woohyun says haughtily.

“They’re questions you would know the answer to if you had half a brain,” Sungyeol mutters under his breath. Woohyun hears him (because Sungyeol meant for him to) and then everything devolves into chaotic squabbling between the other three as it so often does.

Through this all, Howon has noticed that Myungsoo has been quieter than usual. Of course Myungsoo has days where he’s stressed or exhausted a spaces out a lot, but he usually is first to team up with Sungyeol to take Woohyun on. Instead he’s sitting, staring at his plate, chewing on the corner of his lip. That’s his tell more than anything.

Howon checks that the others are too involved in their mock argument to pay any attention to them before leans over to Myungsoo and whispers “Are you alright?”

“I, yes,” Myungsoo says. Howon might not be as good at reading Myungsoo as he ideally would like, but he can tell that’s a lie. Myungsoo might not be overly concerned about something, but he’s not ‘alright’ either.

Howon let’s it drop, only until Sunggyu and Woohyun have to run off, and Sungyeol taps out on account of not wanting to be left alone with the gross couple after fifth wheeling all morning (his exact words, which are ridiculous for a number of reasons).

“Alright, what’s up?” Howon turns to Myungsoo with a look that he hopes isn’t too overbearing or annoyed.

Myungsoo chews his lip before he says, “I don’t want to be a bother.”

“You’re never a bother,” Howon tells him straight away, not having to think about it. Sure there are things that Myungsoo does that bother him (Myungsoo would probably say the same about him) but he’s never, ever though of Myungsoo as a bother.

“You told Woohyun he was bothering you with his stupid questions,” Myungsoo blurts out, blushing slightly as if he hadn’t meant to say that, “But, I ask you more stupid questions than him.”

“No,” Howon says straight away, a knee jerk reaction, and probably harsher than he intended too. Myungsoo looks concerned, so Howon rushes to clarify, “There is a difference between the questions you and Woohyun ask.”

“What, I’m broken and pathetic so you don’t mind because it appeals to your hero complex, but Woohyun is just annoying?” Myungsoo asks bitterly.

Howon was not expecting that, to have accidentally touched on a nerve. He wonders if there’s something he’s been doing that has made Myungsoo feel like this, like it’s been building up ready to explode.

“Actually, I meant because you ask me actual proper medical questions and Woohyun asks me questions a primary school student could answer,” Howon says slowly.

“Don’t placate me,” Myungsoo says with a huff, even though that’s the opposite of what Howon was trying to do. He doesn’t want Myungsoo to suffer of course but that’s trying not to come off as placating. Maybe that’s his problem, maybe he speaks down to Myungsoo .

And if he can’t even talk to his boyfriend without coming off like that, how does he treat patients?

 

**10:00**

“Are you sure that studying in your flat is a good idea?” Sungjong says with a long suffering sigh as Howon answers the door.

“Good morning to you too Sungjong, lovely to see you as well,” Howon says sarcastically, stepping aside to let him in, “What lovely manners you have today.”

“Good morning,” Sungjong says before he adds, “But I am serious, if we trigger a panic attack in your ‘not-a-boyfriend’ I take no responsibility.”

“You’re the one that said your place would be no good, and unless you want to try the library…” Howon says, knowing full well how much Sungjong hates studying in the library - too many noisy undergraduates using it as a social place even the quiet zones he says (Sungjong likes to ignore the fact they’re both undergraduates themselves).

“Yes, well I forgot how much of ahypochondriac Myungsoo was when I agreed,” Sungjong says taking a seat at the dining room table and making himself quite at home, “But then I talked to Woohyun yesterday.”

“Woohyun exaggerates,” Howon says. Woohyun does exaggerate, but he was probably telling the truth about Myungsoo, whatever he was saying, “Also I’m not sure Myungsoo clinically fits the diagnosis of hypochondriac.”

“Health Anxiety, hypochondriac, colloquially it’s all the same thing Howon,” Sungjong waves him away.

“I think he’d be fine,” Howon says raising his voice as he walks into his room to grab his notes and study material. They’ve got a big exam coming up in a couple of days and because of placements neither of them have really had a chance to study as much as they’d like.

Howon probably knows the material inside out, but Sungjong’s struggles sometimes with the written exams - though Howon has never seen anyone as calm under the pressure of a practical exam as him. Plus revision never hurt anyone.

“We’ll be fine though,” Howon continues the conversation when he returns to the room, “Sungyeol’s been complaining for weeks that Myungsoo has been neglecting him and gotten ‘boring’” he rolls his eyes, remembering the melodramatic way Sungyeol had pronounced that the other day.

“Because he’s too busy sitting around the house making moony eyes over you,” Sungjong interjects. Howon categorically ignores him.

“So Sungyeol has claimed Myungsoo for today so we should be safe,” Howon says loudly instead.

Sungjong scoffs, “You’re both pathetic,” but let’s it drop after that. He let’s all conversation drop after that besides the quizzing on the information they’ve studied this semester.

That’s why Sungjong is Howon’s favourite person in his course to study with despite the fact he’s a couple of years younger, having going straight into this field after university (Howon doesn’t know how he does it some days especially when the straight of high school kids are twice as likely to drop out - but then Sungjong has always had a steely determinedness underlying everything he does).

“Alright, what are the five most common places to have an aneurysm then?” Howon asks Sungjong after they’ve been at revision for what feels like an eternity but could in all honestly have only been a few minutes. It’s probably somewhere in between but Howon has lost all sense of time as he tends to do when studying.

“Cerebral, mesenteric artery, popliteal artery, splenic artery and,” Sungjong lists of smugly before he has to pause. “Fuck, I forgot the last one.”

Howon laughs, because it’s not often Sungjong gets frustrated at medical stuff enough to swear (he says he’s practicing his professionalism), “It’s something really obvious isn’t it?” Sungjong says with a sigh.

“Yeah,” Howon tells him, “It’s aorta.”

“Oh,” Sungjong looks like he’s considering banging his head into the table, “I should have known.”

“Probably, but we all have moments,” Howon says.

“We shouldn’t have,” Sungjong is of the thinking that he should never make any mistakes because he wants to be a paramedic. Howon thinks that’s an awful of of pressure to put on yourself, especially when you’re only in your second year of training.

“We’ve been at this awhile, why don’t we call it a morning?” Howon suggests. He’s gotten to that stage where he’s so oversaturated with information he’s also starting to forget things he knows, starting to second guess things he’s sure of.

Sungjong frowns determinedly, “We’ll finish this lecture then we can stop, I guess.”

Howon gets the feeling Sungjong is probably going to go home and just continue studying himself, but there’s not much he can do about that, so they finish revision for their lecture and Sungjong leaves.

Howon hums to himself on his way to his bedroom, wondering what to do with his free afternoon (now that’s a novel concept) when he notices Myungsoo’s bedroom door is closed. Closed when he definitely left it open in his rush to meet Sungyeol this morning.

Howon debates leaving him be but something compels him to knock on the door. Maybe Sungjong has him paranoid about Myungsoo overhearing him studying, maybe it was the way he thought he’d heard a noise when they were talking about aneurysms earlier that he’d written off as his noisy neighbours, “Myungsoo, are you home?”

There’s a long pause, long enough Howon is starting to think maybe he imagined Myungsoo’s door open earlier, but then he gets a reply, “Yes?”

“Can I come in?” Howon asks gently.

“Okay,” is the reply he gets back. When he opens the door Myungsoo is sitting in bed, knees pulled up to his chest, staring at the wall.

“What happened to your plans with Sungyeol?” Howon asks carefully, hovering by the doorway, not wanting to invade Myungsoo’s space.

“I forgot my camera,” Myungsoo says, gesturing to where his camera is sitting on his desk, “But then, I didn’t feel like going back out.”

Howon recognises the shake of his hands, the tremor in his voice. Myungsoo is having an anxiety attack, and Howon is almost certain he probably triggered it.

“Myungsoo, did you hear me and Jong?” Howon asks, wanting to walk over and comfort him but still mindful of barrier. Howon can count on one hand the number of times he’s been in Myungsoo’s room since it’s been Myungsoo’s room.

“I mean, I knew you could have aneurysms in any blood vessel, logically, but I always associated them with the brain, so I never considered the possibility you could have them elsewhere, like your heart.” Myungsoo says, starting at the blanket of his bed unseeing.

“Myungsoo,” Howon sighs, “You know an aneurysm isn’t, even if you get one which is unlikely, it’s not necessarily going to kill you. Often times if a doctor finds one they don’t even do anything but monitor it,” Howon explains gently.

“Then, how do you die from them?” Myungsoo asks him.

Once again, Howon is struck by how little Myungsoo knows about the health conditions he stresses about. He’s always wary though, of explaining things to him, because he’s never sure what is going to make him feel better and what is going to give him even more things to stress about.

“They can burst,” Howon eventually explains, because Myungsoo has asked him a direct question so he’s not going to lie.

“Oh,” Myungsoo says, looking like he’s processing the information.

“Yeah,” Howon says awkwardly, “Are you sure you don’t want to go back out with Sungyeol?” Howon asks, because he knows distractions are the easiest way to pull Myungsoo from his own mind.

“I don’t really wanna leave the house,” Myungsoo admits.

“What about if Sungyeol came here?” Howon asks trying to problem solve, “Since it was meant to be his day with you and everything.”

“You don’t have to pander to me,” Myungsoo responds, with more venom than Howon expected. He takes a step back.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” He says, stepping back again till he’s no longer in Myungsoo’s room, “I’ll be in my room if you need me but I’ll leave you alone. Sorry for freaking you out,” he says, before turning and heading to his room.

He ignores the way Myungsoo calls after him, not sure if guilt or hurt is the emotion winning out.

 

**11:00**

If someone were to ask Myungsoo what Howon meant to him, he’d give some a pretty but cliche answer about his boyfriend and support system.

In truth though, Howon is so much more to him. Howon is home, is reassurance. Howon is infinite patience dealing with Myungsoo and his shitty broken brain. Howon is kindness and gentleness and judgement free love.

He always answers Myungsoo’s questions no matter how tired he is, when Myungsoo has promised himself he won’t bother Howon. When his anxiety wins out and he has to ask Howon or he feels like he’ll crawl out of his skin. He’s love and dedication and Myungsoo knows, in the moments when his frustration at his own brain spills over in to accusations directed at Howon that Howon will forgive him even if he shouldn’t.

Howon answers his questions and protects him but never treats him like he’s broken. Myungsoo know’s he’s broken of course, but with Howon he can mostly forget it.

Not to say their relationship is perfect, none is, and Howon is careless with his words sometimes, caustic without meaning to be. Myungsoo let’s his annoyance at himself spill over, into accusations and harsh words Howon doesn’t deserve. Sometimes the fact they’re both so introverted in nature means communication doesn’t happen when it should, things become bigger issues than they need to. Their schedules are so busy, Howon’s especially, and they can go weeks barely seeing each other despite the fact they live together.

Despite it all though, they’ve never hit a patch so rough that Myungsoo thought they would break. Myungsoo is anxious about a lot of things, mostly health, but of course that anxiety spills into other things. Never once has Howon given him even a misinterpreted reason to doubt them.

Howon does so much for Myungsoo, gives him so much, and all Myungsoo can do is take. Take reassurance and love and kindness. He has nothing to give, but he wants to be there for Howon the way Howon is for him. It’s hard though, because most things Howon truly struggles with are about his placement.

Myungsoo knows Howon tries not to talk about those things at home because he doesn’t want to trigger him. Myungsoo appreciates it, but he also feels so guilty. This is Howon’s place too, was Howon’s place first, and Myungsoo wants him to be comfortable.

One morning, it not so much comes to a head as reaches the inevitable point.

Myungsoo is sitting in the living room, working on an assignment and not waiting for Howon to get back from his overnight shift. Not at all, it just happens he felt like studying in the living room when he usually prefers his desk.

When Howon does come home though Myungsoo looks up immediately. And frowns. Howon is something of an unmovable object, in his head. Stoic, calm, good in a crisis. Of course he feels emotion, Myungsoo has no desire to date a robot or one of those emotionally detached idiots, but Myungsoo has come to learn that Howon feels the most vulnerable when he’s showing it. It’s why he doesn’t.

This time though, Howon looks, Myungsoo’s not sure. Troubled isn’t evocative enough but he’s not traumatised or anything so dramatic.

“Hey,” Myungsoo says softly, catching Howon’s attention, “How was your shift?”

“Fine,” Howon says straight away, like a learned response. Myungsoo can see he’s not fine, but he won’t push. Instead he closes his laptop and carefully puts it down before opening his arms, “Hug please, I missed you,” he says. Not outwardly seen to be trying to coddle Howon.

It’s not that Howon isn’t open to being taken care of, but he can be touchy after coming off a placement shift sometimes. Myungsoo understands though, Howon must see some horrible things and no one would be unaffected by that.

Howon doesn’t argue, just comes and drops on top of Myungsoo (who doesn’t make a comment about how heavy he is, despite how heavy he is) and curls into his side.

“It wasn’t fine,” Howon says, after time passes.

“I know,” Myungsoo says, running his fingers through Howon’s sweaty fringe, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Howon tells him, thinking of Myungsoo first as always.

Myungsoo wants to insist that he won’t make him uncomfortable, but Myungsoo can deal with it. That he wants to look after Howon for once. He knows though, realistically, that it might not be fine. It might trigger Myungsoo’s anxiety, or sit in his subconscious and emerge later. Still, he doesn’t want Howon to think he can’t talk about anything, there’s only specific things Myungsoo has trouble with.

“Is it something I’m normally uncomfortable with?” Myungsoo asks, softly.

“No,” Howon shakes his head, hair brushing Myungsoo’s collarbone.

“Okay, then if you want to talk, I want to be here for you,” Myungsoo says. Howon makes him want to be strong for him, support him the way he’s supported Myungsoo for so long. He supported Myungsoo’s irrationality before they were together, before they even knew each other properly because he’s just that kind of person.

Myungsoo can support the person he loves in return.

“There was, there was this kid,” Howon says, choking up slightly, “And her mum,” he pauses and takes a deep, shuddering breathe that Myungsoo can feel shake his body, “I don’t understand, how a parent could be so awful to their child.”

Myungsoo understands, tries not to dwell on the fact he’s glad this is nothing related to him. Knows that kids always strike a nerve with Howon, despite the fact he says kids hate him, “What happened?”

“Four year old girl, she had alcohol poisoning, her mum was trying to get her to sleep,” Howon says, voice broken. Myungsoo tries not to gasp.

“Howon,” he whispers, afraid to ask what happened to the girl. Even he knows alcohol is so much more deadly to kids.

“She, she’s not dead. Right now. Yet. We got her to hospital,” Howon says, quietly. Myungsoo can’t see his face but he would be sure Howon is doing that staring into space thing, “But, she wasn’t good. I don’t know, how could someone do that?”

Myungsoo has no words to offer. Knows that Howon knows that sometimes parents aren’t cut out to be parents and often time peoples are cruel and selfish.

He has no words of reassurance to offer Howon, because what is there that could make this better? Nothing he says will help that little girl, and Howon doesn’t need empty words.

“I’m so sorry,” Myungsoo says, squeezing Howon close to him, “I’m sorry for that little girl, but I know you and I’m sure you did everything you could for her.”

“Everything might not be enough. Which I know. I’ve always known, before I did my first placement,” Howon’s words drop into the spaces between them, empty and echoing. Myungsoo hates the sound, but Howon needs to speak so he lets him, “But sometimes it just hits you, sometimes we can’t do anything and it’s hard.”

“I know, but sometimes, sometimes you make a huge difference,” Myungsoo says, not doing anything but repeating Howon’s own words back at him. Maybe it’s something he needs to hear though, “And you made a difference for this little girl, because you tried and you worked so hard and,” he trails off, not sure what to say. He can’t even imagine how Howon feels. Even if Myungsoo knows most of his call outs aren’t life threatening emergencies or catastrophic injuries, there are still those that are. Myungsoo doesn’t know how Howon deals with them, knows even one such incident would leave him traumatised for life.

Howon is the strongest person Myungsoo knows; he just hopes he knows he doesn’t always have to be strong.

“Does it matter, when there’s so much in this world, when people hurt each other,” Howon sounds so despondent that Myungsoo’s heart sinks. The bitter little laugh that follows makes it worse.

He doesn’t know what to say to that, is still trying to wrack his brain when Howon sighs, “I’m sorry, I’m exhausted,” Howon says. Myungsoo knows that. Knows physically and emotionally that Howon is drained. Knows, that at some point he’s going to burn himself out.

The only thing Myungsoo can do though is be there for him, make sure Howon knows he’s loved and supported and try to get him to look after himself.

Howon gives him so much and Myungsoo does nothing but take.

Right now though, he makes a resolutions. He’s going to give Howon so much love and support. It’s not even close to enough to repay him, but nothing will.

 

**Stop The Clock**

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally just the first scene, then it was 3 scenes, then the hours idea came around and then at some point I changed it to almost all Hoya's POV despite having 3 or 4 scenes in Soo's POV? So basically the moral of this story is I wrote 20K of this fic on the plane + three days in Japan on top of lots of tourist shit and then didn't write again all trip because I burned myself out (+ I have 6K words of Myungsoo's POV for this fic that will potentially never see the light of day).


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